I hope everyone has had a great last couple of weeks! Mine got pretty hectic! But I have learned to deal with that being a mom. I’ve been insanely busy working on a business plan actually.
It is for a family farm/ranch. It will start with crops and some cottage goods and move into livestock and livestock products later on. My husband and I have wanted to do this for quite some time now, so hopefully this is where it starts!
My anxiety has been off the rails lately, given that yesterday marked 2 years since my father’s suicide, I guess it comes as no surprise. And yet it did surprise me, after 2 years maybe I shouldn’t hurt so much and yet it does. Time may heal all wounds but how much time is that exactly?
Perhaps it is more that time actually makes the pain a little smaller, or you just make room for it. I cannot picture a day where I can think about him and not feel hurt. I’ve made room for forgiving him, I may not know the exact pain he was in, but I understand the depths of depression that can make one feel that there isn’t an option.
I’ve gone through times where I am truly just surviving, have you ever heard that song “Numb Little Bug”, by Em Beihold? This song really resonates with me sometimes to the point where I have goosebumps and I can barely keep from crying because I understand and feel it so much.
The chorus goes;
“Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
‘Cause you gotta survive
Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don’t really care
Like your fresh outta love but it’s been in the air
Am I past repair”
And when I listen to it and feel it, it just really hits the gut. I don’t feel like that every day, but the days that I do it is hard to breathe, and I am sure there are many who can relate.
I struggle so much with emotions like that, how could I not with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar?
On those days, it is hard to pretend like you care. Hard to feel any love that may surround you. Hard to feel anything even. Like you aren’t there.
Even with so many people to care about you, it just doesn’t seem like enough sometimes to want to be around. I try to remember how hard those days are for me to have a better understanding of what my father was going through.
Everyone’s battle is different, however, whether ten different people have the same diagnosis or not. They need to deal with it however they are going to.
On those bad days for me I keep one thought so close that it is almost tangible, and that is that the pain is temporary. Even if it lasts weeks, or months, perhaps a terrible horrible year, that is still temporary.
Not one person will have a lifetime of only pain with not a single good thing. Not one.
I hope that can resonate with you, because for all of the horrible things out there, the good things need their merit too. If you can’t think of a single good thing, then what needs to change is your mindset. It’s a powerful tool.
If suicide is something you can’t stop thinking about and you can't reach out, you should try a change in your atmosphere, and your mindset. Realize that it is temporary, living is hard, but gosh can it be beautiful. You truly just have to look.
My faith is something that I use so often to feel and see beauty when I think there is none. I can’t pretend to tell you what to believe in, and even if you don’t believe in anything there is still a lot of beauty to be had and seen and cherished.
And whether you see it or believe it or you don’t, you have so much to offer just by trying to make the world a better place.
Being kind, for example, to anyone makes such a difference. And it can even make you feel better. I wasn’t always a person you could count on to be kind to people, I’ve changed a lot because I needed to. I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt myself, people I loved or cared for, but change starts with just you.
You can’t really expect to feel better yourself unless you have tried. And continuing to not try just makes it worse. So does feeling sorry for yourself. Accept that you have these awful feelings, but don’t let it consume you.
These feelings are really just that, feelings. It isn’t an action, it isn’t the truth, it isn’t even an opinion. You may truly feel horrible, but just because you feel terrible doesn’t mean that everything is terrible.
A beautiful thing that everyone can see anywhere is the sky. Sometimes it’s cloudy, and while you may not like clouds, perhaps in them there is some real pretty swirls or shapes within them.
Sometimes it is blue and sunny, and if you don’t like the color blue perhaps the sun making you feel warm is the beauty you can find there. Or the fact that you get to experience the sun, or a fresh rain, a rumbling thunder, far away lightening that briefly lights up the sky in a dark storm.
Maybe the way it smells, rain smells pretty amazing in the country. And if you live in a city maybe you need to take a hike, because I’ve often heard that nature is a natural calming remedy, and I certainly cannot disagree. And if you can't go for a hike, maybe you should get a houseplant.
Wherever you are and whatever it is you need to breathe and find whatever the beauty is, because we too often forget that in our busy lives. And why are we rushing anyways when we only live once? Why are you allowing the misery to be so deep and consuming when you only get to experience the world once?
So live and choose to see what is good because the bad things are many, but so are the good things if you choose to just see it.
Best regards,
~TKNott~
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