I almost drowned once, I don’t swim very well, and that day I didn’t really know how at all. But I fell off a tube and went under, resurfaced, went under again then forced myself to try swimming and I got to land. I hadn’t considered not trying to resurface, that is survival instinct. This is something that correlates to living with bipolar disorder for me. I will do good for a while, as good as I can with anxiety and depression being fought on a daily basis, and then that awful bout of being dragged down when I was just doing fine takes over. Every other month or every couple of months I sink so low, and I feel like I am drowning. And every time I think I have got some footing, I’m submerged again…after so many times I wake up one day as me again. The me that does well and believes in herself. You understand this feeling well if you have bipolar. The feeling that its someone else taking over you for a period of time in the midst of drowning in the depression. It isn’t like normal depression. Some people, they don’t have the survival instinct anymore, they allow themselves to drown, and some take their own life like my father. As a sufferer in my own issues, I have found that I am not suicidal anymore. I have long periods where I would rather be dead, but I don’t have the urge to die by my hand. The largest reason is my faith, I would rather not go to hell as I already suffer in this life. My husband and kids are another reason, my family that I don’t want to disappoint, that I want to see me be strong, especially my children…I want them to always see their own strength, so they don’t suffer as I do and by showing them strength and being a good role model for them, they would in turn know that they can be strong. I force myself to accept things as they are, and I try every day to be better and stronger. I often make myself do things that would normally give me reason to shy away, in doing those things I find that I have a strength which I rarely give myself credit for. When I was younger, I had been told my disorders were all in my head, they weren’t real, and I was attention-seeking. As an adult it is hard for me to express myself because of this, because I don’t want to be ‘attention-seeking’. Another reason why I would rather not let anyone see me cry. Every day I have to remind myself that my mental health is a real thing. That it isn’t attention-seeking behavior.
Maybe your story is similar, you were told it is all in your head, that you are an attention seeker. Maybe you’re drowning so much that you would just give up because life is too hard. Because you don’t feel or see your inner strength. Maybe it is guilt, you have done these awful things and don’t want to continue being alive because the world is a better place without you, there is too much to be forgiven for. If this, is you then you are entirely mistaken. Everyone has a strength inside them whether you see it or not. Strength of character, strength to keep that job you hate so much in order to get yourself where you want to be, strength to recognize right and wrong, strength to be a good parent, friend, spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. Strength to ask for help. Strength to be yourself, strength to keep a good face when you feel like your world is falling apart. This is in everyone, no matter what your strength looks like, it is there. Even if the strength is just existing when all you want to do is quit. When you can’t stop drowning.
Those of us with depression and other disorders often feel like things are just awful, maybe some things are that awful, but it is harder to see the good things with this cloud that doesn’t ever seem to leave. So here is some food for thought.
First, to quote Pooh Bear’s Christopher Robin character by A. A. Milne, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” These words ring true, very much so, and many people, mentally ill or not, think less of themselves then what they are.
If your world seems to be falling apart and you are ready to leave this world there are things to keep in mind. One is that you are truly not alone in your belief that there is no hope, which is a sad thing, but also a true thing, and yet when they decide to live, they realize that there is hope. Another thing is that you aren’t the problem, your shortsightedness however, is a big problem because people care about you and there are still things you need to do in this world. Maybe you don’t think anyone cares, but I do. I care that you are hurting and do not see a way out, I am not the only one who cares, people who don’t even know you, your name, or anything else about you, they care. If you are choosing to leave because of guilt, let me tell you that there is truly nothing that is unforgiveable. I have accomplished exceptionally detestable things, yet today I am loved, truly loved. Often, I cannot stop thinking about those terrible things I have done and trust me there are horrible things, and it drags me down pretty far. But I have also forgiven myself, and I made a change with my life, embraced love and light and chose to have a relationship with God. It isn’t ever too late to change the course of your life, not until your death. You can renew who you are every single day until you are the person you want to be. And it doesn’t make you a hypocrite because you yourself are making the changes necessary to better yourself. If you are choosing to leave because you can’t deal with your mental health any longer then let me be clear. You are not your disorders; you are not meant to go through the emotional turmoil alone, humans are relational characters, we need relationships to thrive, and I don’t mean a bf/gf or marriage, I mean every kind of relationship that there is, family, friendship, like-minded people, co-workers, etc. And you are strong enough that you have lasted this long. Even though you would choose to end your life to not be in pain any longer, it is still selfish. The people who do care about you, the ones you don’t think give a crap, they don’t deserve the aftermath of a death you have inflicted upon yourself. And if being selfish is something you do not like then I will make you feel as selfish as I possibly can. If you don’t care about that, then understand that the world is constantly evolving, while you cannot change your brain chemistry, you can find resources to seek help. Find even just one person, someone you care for, or cares for you and hold on until you stop drowning to a point of giving up, be brutally open about those raw emotions because it is the only thing to help you come out of your pain. The pain that is real and doesn’t discriminate on gender, color, wealth etc. It is a horrible thing to have to live with emotional pain every day of your existence. So of course, death is a natural thing to hope for, it takes an incredible strength to choose life. A strength that you do have, regardless of whether or not you see it. Please don’t make a choice that is so final, because if you choose to live, you choose to be strong. And being strong is such a good feeling, choosing strength gives you such a sense of accomplishment that is almost overwhelming, it can make you cry with happiness and pride. Be a beacon of hope for other people like us. Teenage children who are lost and have so much life. Adults who were meant for so much more than pain, make them see there is more and better. And that there is much beauty in choosing the right path, a hard one, filled with more hurt, but so much beauty and light as well. If you truly don't feel like you have someone to talk to sometimes a perfect stranger is the way to go, I am happy to receive emails if you need to talk or make a friend.
All the best,
~TKNott~
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