So, what is it like to live with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and other undiagnosed mental illnesses? From my own personal perspective of what I live with each day here is the lowdown.
For a day I can feel on top of the world, at my very best, sometimes that can last up to a couple weeks, but it doesn’t stay that way. When I feel like this, I feel like I can accomplish anything, my mind feels clear I am more active, I try harder. I do things on my own and have trouble asking for help because I want to know that I can do them. Nothing seems to bother me too much; it is like being high on life. These days when I feel this good, I savor. But I have more than just one kind of low, and unfortunately, they last much longer.
One kind of low that I have is when I am overly emotional about everything, it’s like having your period on steroids, I cry over spilled milk, literally. I take everything to heart even when I know it’s a joke. I have hot flashes and cold sweats; I eat nothing or too much. I don’t have the energy to take care of myself after doing what I need to do for my kids. I have to force myself to do anything and it’s physically painful to do things. I can’t breathe well, and I have distorted thinking. For example, if I don’t work out on Monday, I feel like I wasted the whole week and can’t work out the rest of the week.
Another low I have is completely opposite, and it is dangerous. I feel nothing, truly nothing. I know what feelings are and I feel them when I am not in this state, but in this state, there is nothing inside. It’s dark and empty and I get incredibly rude and sarcastic. I am good at faking emotions in this state because I know what emotions are, but I don’t actually feel them. I still have distorted thinking during this time, I’m paranoid but good at being silent about things. This state is bad because sometimes I do things that I would never normally do, things that are not me. I say it is dangerous because even I don’t know what I am capable of doing to anyone. Things don’t make much sense and I get overwhelmed with people wanting me around because I just want to be a dick. I always have to hold my tongue because my first response is to say something sarcastic and rude, I can’t always stop myself but when I can stop myself, I am usually able to respond as I normally would.
An example of that is someone asking me about something that I felt was obvious even if it isn’t obvious, and I just wanna be rude cause I don’t care. This is a mood I don’t often discuss because I can be truly awful in my mind, and sometimes out loud with weird behavior. I am often scared of getting to an age where I lose some self-control because I feel like I will do horrible things, my husband really helps me feel grounded. And if I ever lost him, I am not sure what would happen. I pray that I don’t end up with dementia because I would not be who I am, who I really am. Thankfully this mood isn’t my dominant mood, I feel like this version of myself is another person completely, and not me.
It is so important to have people that make you feel grounded, make you feel like yourself because if you don’t you are probably capable of things you never thought of in your wildest dreams. So don’t take those people for granted and be grateful for them every day.
All the best,
~TKNott~
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