I grew up in a household (a couple different households technically) that were religious. I grew up believing in God, when I turned 14 I was in a mental hospital and due to wanting to fit in I mostly portrayed an atheist set of mind so I would. Odd since it was for children who were mentally ill, but anytime you get kids together there are cliques, mentally ill or not. Actually, it’s like that as an adult too it seems lol. Anyways, I had faked that for so long that it had become part of me, being an atheist, I mean. When I became 16 and started living with my biological mother again I had held on to this persona and coming from a childhood of God to trying to fit in I struggled a lot wondering what was real. I think most religious household children come a stage when they are confused about that. But if not then I guess I’m a special case. Regardless of that I kept putting up the atheism, not because I didn’t believe, but because it was what I had.
When I was younger I would tell the truth about things and be called a liar a lot, in fact a big reason that I was in a mental home was based on a lie of something I didn’t do but because I wasn’t believed I ended up in a home still, I stuck to my guns and it just made things worse, I realized that people don’t really want the truth, they just want what they want to hear and the atheism represented that for me as well. I’m not saying I didn’t need any mental help, clearly I do, or I wouldn’t have this blog right? But the purpose I was sent away for was based off a lie and no one believed me. So, I became someone who faked things, in my mind it was how you got by in the world cause that is what I was taught. When I was 17 I finally realized that idea was definitely wrong, yet another childhood thought process that lifted away as I grew up. But when you are hell bent on how you are raised it can be hard to let go of something that big, so I kept the atheism with me as a sort of mental protection, reserving some of that part of me that was leaving. And that person needed to go, she really did, but it was very hard to let go of that. I mean what are you supposed to do, grow up and just know everything? Obviously that isn’t how it works.
Now, the atheist persona stayed with me until 2018, when I was 23. I had just started seeing my husband and we were playing a 20 questions game. Well writing and sending each other 20 questions haha, but still. One of the questions I asked him was what would make him happier with me. Of which his response was, the only thing that would make me happier with you is if you believed in God. When I read it I wasn’t really sure what to say, I didn’t not believe in Him, I just acted like I didn’t for so long and enough that that sort of path became unclear and unsteady to me. But I realized I needed to fix that for myself, I had ruined this relationship and didn’t know if I wanted a path back to that. But there was something about him, my husband I mean, and I knew I had to take that chance. So, I did, but I didn’t let myself be very thorough with it, not really. Sure, I wasn’t denying it anymore, but it was far from truly being on a path with God. In 2019 I told my husband (who was still just a boyfriend at this time) that I wanted to have one more baby (crazy me since he already had 4 kids and I had 3 of my own). But I wanted a baby that was a mixture of us, he and I agreed that we didn’t want another baby that was born out of a marriage as neither of us had been married before, and I told him that by the time I had the baby we would be married, then we got pregnant, at 9 weeks I had a miscarriage. I wasn’t in a very good place my mental health was even more tragic, but this weird thing happened. I had a dream, and in this dream someone told me not to cry or be sad, that this baby was gone but in 3 months I would be pregnant again. I didn’t really pay much heed to that at first, we tried the next two months, and it didn’t happen. I told my husband I didn’t want to have sex again until we were married, I wanted to wait because I felt like God was punishing me for being with him and not being married. We got married that month, and the following month when I could conceive again it happened clearly I didn’t find out until April (the physical miscarriage was in January, though we learned about the baby in December). The third month just like in my dream. This is what really brought me back to God, I felt like the message was from Him. And I have fostered that relationship ever since. I have found a strength within myself because of this, a strength of mind and it helps me with my mental health disorders.
I’m not sharing this story to prove to you there is a god, or to make you believe in Him. No, I’m just sharing this story so you understand why I have been able to pull on any kind of strength for myself, to be strong in the face of my illnesses. Suffering from mental illnesses and not finding your strength is dangerous, for you and even other people. For me, I pull on strength from God and the inner strength He has given me. I may have been strong before altering my path as I hadn’t ever considered not being strong, but I have become even stronger because of it. I don’t know what your inner strength is, and maybe you don’t either. If you are going to try and fight the mental attacks that befall upon you, then you need to find it. Find it and keep it closer than you have ever kept anything because sometimes it is going to be the only thing you can rely on. And if you cannot find it surround yourself with people who see it until you can too.
Best,
~TKNott~
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