Sometimes, when you finally get a diagnosis to put a name on the face of the monster that ails you, you feel relief. Relief that it has a name, that you aren’t the only one, that it can be fixed or dealt with. It’s intense and overwhelming. If you are like me this wasn’t exactly the case for you. I always knew I was different from other people; I didn’t see the world the same way, I didn’t feel things the same way. In fact, sometimes I truly feel nothing at all. When I got my bipolar, GAD, and depression clinically recognized I felt panicked. I always called myself crazy, I kept a persona of ‘I’m nuts’ around me. All my friends know I’m just crazy, and it was funny. Then I was diagnosed, it wasn’t so funny anymore. There really was something wrong with me, it wasn’t just in my head. I still make jokes about myself for fun and entertainment, it is truly how I cope with my disorders.
When the psychiatrist laid it out for me, I wanted to run. I didn’t want to tell anyone; I was scared to be shunned away. I’m used to being the friend that most people don’t really hang around unless they need me, and I don’t mind that they know they can come to me. But being totally shunned made me feel like maybe it would be best not to be so open because I didn’t want to feel further away from my friends then I already did.
The first person I was really open with was my husband, then my siblings and parents. I opened up to my friends also and everything was really just the same as it has always been. That had made it easier for me to accept it myself. It’s an interesting thing really, to know or at least feel like, something is wrong with yourself and yet recoil when you find out that it really is true.
I am way over that now, it is just part of who I am now as it always was. If you are receiving a diagnosis and you feel like you can’t handle it, then here a few facts about you. One is that you already had an inkling that something was different (even if you didn’t realize it). Two, you have probably had this most if not all of your life. In some cases that isn’t true but for others it is. Three, knowing that you have had this means that you have already been dealing with it in some way even if you didn’t know what it was, you were coping in some way maybe negatively, maybe positively.
Me? I coped negatively, lots of drinking and partying in my younger years, and smoking, which turns out to make anxiety worse rather than better. I was doing it all wrong, once in a while when it gets really bad, I return to drinking, but I am more responsible now about it. It just helps me take the edge off, I also smoke pot to help with keeping off the edge. Sometimes that makes my anxiety worse as well though. But I don’t rely on these things for my coping anymore the way I used too; I rely heavily on sarcasm. It’s my best friend besides my husband. Humor is probably the best medicine, for me at least.
Having all that said, this means that you CAN handle a diagnosis. In fact, we really should rejoice because the monster in your head has a name finally. Separating you from whatever ails your mind can be really helpful. Some people get by just knowing that it isn’t them, that there is just this crap in their brain that isn’t right. That it isn’t their fault. I got by with that knowledge for a while, however I am on meds now as it was getting worse, and I needed to be different for my family. Right now, that doesn’t seem to be working well, but I choose to believe that I will find a way through this. And I think that you can find a way through this also. You might not think so, but I have enough hope for all of us. I am on a mission you see, to be incredibly successful so I can show everyone else like me that yes, we have issues. And yes, it is harder to live and deal with life then it is for most other people, but if I can prevail so can you.
I haven’t done too much yet, but so far, I have one published book (when I was 18 I published, wrote it when I was 16 not the greatest but hey, I was a kid!) I am in college seeking a business degree, I have completed my first year of college, I am a member of The National Society of Leadership and Success, I have on the side taught myself bookkeeping and plan to start a bookkeeping business within a year, I have a blog and I have a group on Facebook for my art and have it showcased on there and on items that you can buy. I would say I am doing alright so far, but I have big plans and I will meet all of them. Because I can. Because you can. Because I’m strong in spite of my hardships, and you are strong too whether you see it or not. You’re here, aren’t you? Sometimes, that is what really counts, just being here guys. People can poke fun at us all they want, but they can’t take away the strength you have, only you can choose to let it dwindle. So, choose to be strong and make a goal for you no matter how small. When you get there send me an email to celebrate the strength that you found, I would love to hear about it.
Best regards truly,
~TKNott~
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